Monday, May 20, 2019

Moron Mansion, Melbourne

I love Melbourne. I hate the people.

Every moment of every interaction with every person here is an argument for the extinction of the human race.

Seagulls biding their time

In no particular order:

  • No one in my hostel does their own dishes.
  • If asked, people in my hostel would rather fight (with knives!) than do dishes.
  • Judging by voice and music volume, no one in my hostel believes that other people exist.
  • Judging by openess, no one in the whole city believes anyone can benefit them.
  • No one on the sidewalk looks where they're going.
  • People would rather run into you than pay attention.
  • Should you mention this fact, you're advised to "walk to the left" even though that's exactly what you've been doing the whole time. Or, better yet, people will quibble with your use of "sidewalk" to describe the thing on the side of the road on which you walk.
  • Public spaces seem designed to keep people from talking with one another.
  • Private spaces used in other countries for general interaction (e.g. pubs) have removed even basic accomodations for chance encounters (e.g. barstools at a bar).
  • Back to the hostel, even cooking a pancake from premixed batter seems to be a mental strain for these people (pour batter on provided heated pan, wait until the sides are firm, flip - apparently an insurmountable obstacle).
  • Oh, free breakfast is a period of two hours? Why not show up ten minutes late and loudly complain at the staff who are cleaning up? Genius.
  • Oh, you're staying in a women's only dorm? Have your boyfriend over for sex. Spend a half-hour complaining loudly in front of everyone about what an injustice it is that you have to face some consequences for your actions. That's not even mentioning how selfish it is to have sex in a hostel.
  • Unpack every bag you have and cover the entire floor of your room! 
  • Do the above at four in the morning!
  • Stand in a doorway! Stand in walkways so everyone has to squeeze past you!
  • On that last point - I was sitting on a stool out of everyone's way in a bar. Instead of standing anywhere close to his stool, another guy stood out in the aisle, blocking traffic. Everyone who passed between us decided to elbow me in the back as if I were the problem, not the guy standing in their way.
  • Another genius move: Time your crosswalks so everyone has to make a human wave charge across the street instead of something more reasonable. I walk at an "east coast" city pace and I think the sidewalk times here are much too fast. I can only imagine the anxiety slower folks (god forbid someone with reduced mobility wants to cross the street!) must feel. Not to mention the annoyance of two human waves colliding and no one looking where they're going (or "walking to the left" as imagined by others).
  • Finally, I know this is cross-cultural, but it drives me up the wall that people with long hair don't believe in picking their hair out of a shower drain. I know it's annoying, but it's your hair - imagine how annoying it is for people whose hair it isn't!
I'm sure there are a hundred other things I need to complain about, but that's all that strikes me at this particular moment. Humbug.

On the good side, however, the city center has free public transit! This should be standard everywhere.

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